With Christmas fast approaching, the gift catalogs are still coming in fast furious, and hardly a day goes by that I don’t find at least a few more in our mail box.
The prices on some of the items are a bit depressing, but I am getting a chuckle out of a couple of the less prestigious catalogs that carry stocking stuffers like comic T-shirts. These are the shirts with slogans and observations often targeted toward those of us who are seniors, especially the ladies.
These are a few that made me smile, although I’m not adding them to my gift list: I want to have a few friends left after the holidays. Here we go:
“I went to an antique show, and people starting bidding on me.”
“If I woke up in the morning and nothing hurt I’d think I was dead.”
“When women get to be a certain age they start accumulating cats. This is known as the many paws.”
“Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.”
“I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.”
“Things crazy ladies do – ask one cat where the other one is when you can’t find it.”
“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
These next two shirts are designed particularly for young families. The first one, for new moms says: “I’m so tired” and the matching one for the newborn adds simply “I’m not.”
Now let’s look at some other messages that may apply to all of us – men or women:
“Camping – where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.”
“Tomorrow – a mythical land where everything I need to do is done.”
“I’m so busy I don’t know whether I found this rope or lost a horse.”
And, reflecting on the electronic age, “Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the cloud.”
Sick of arguing (or should we say discussing) the upcoming 2020 elections? Consider these next three shirts:
“Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”
“Common sense is not a gift; it’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.”
“Think. It’s not illegal yet.”
Let’s close, however, on a lighter note. This final shirt slogan is aimed at all of us after enjoying the Thanksgiving meal and then the leftovers that have followed since Thursday.
“I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out that was the refrigerator.”
Carol Ferguson is a weekend columnist for the Herald-Banner.